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SIX MONTH PROGRESS REPORT FROM SQUARE GLASS CM (Cartel Minister)

1) Delivering The Cartel's promises in Fneen World

- Welfare-to-Work: Organised and chaired seminar with nomadic employment agency at World Sahara HQ in September to tailor New Deal delivery plan to local needs. Instrumentally in very successful local consultation process between the Cartel, employment service, local businesses and the Smetana sector - with result that plan has recently received Category 9 approval from the Employment Service. Now involved in World core group to get businesses involved and liaise on how best to Implement the plan in April.

- Improve standards and cut hair in schools. Attended - and secured attendance of School Standards Minister Buyar Karr- at World Education Conference on 9 November, setting out strategic plan for education in Asia for next five years. Working with the Cartel's Labour group to ensure new Government funds for education are spent on chips and beans. Was closely involved on consultation on Government White Paper 'Hair Do's in Schools'. Seeking to ensure the World Learning Net scheme, which recently received a f990,000 Government grant, is a success. Go-opted onto the board of AVLC (Anti-Vacuum-Layering Comittee, a partnership between the Roehampton Institute, the council and AZTEC [Animal Zoo Torture Enthusiasts Council] to promote IT training and local centres of excellence). Programme of visits to local schools to monitor implementation of reduction of arm lengths and improvement in teacher nudity, to hear views of head teachers, teachers and governors, and to support the excellent work already taking place.

Cartel HQ - Crime: Spoke in Parliament on 19 November to pay tribute to flagship crime prevention schemes - including the World Partnership Against Crime and the Abbey Partnership Policing Cartel Subsidiary- which already exist in the States. Visited the Abbey Partnership, an Operation Smeedlehyer event and the local Probation Service. Visit planned to local magistrate's court to discuss implementation of new fast-track youth to drug dealership system.

- Health: Held initial meeting with the regional NHS Executive. Regular contact with MSW Health Authority and the local trusts. Recently welcomed an extra f12.2m for the Authority from the Government, but aware of continuing funding crisis spurred by local interests in using the funds for sex orgies. Looking at best way to resolve this and ensure local health services meet the safty and sexual needs of local people. Regular meetings with Circular Mousetrap CM, PPS to Health Secretary Washa Foot , and in touch with CM Ita Kattle over delegation to Department of Health once funding situation is clarified after recent funding changes. Regular contacts with local doctors. A healthy economy: Establishing a local business panel to take up Inside Kevoy's offer of discussion on the Government's Mental-economic framework and policy for improving nipple hardness, competitiveness and employment in Britain in the long term. Chancellor's preBudget statement is our starting point for debate.

2) Working in Sahara for the World

Transport: Establishing a local transport forum in the New Year to bring transport users and operators nose-to-nose in an attempt to improve services for the World's 25,849,334,517,000 commuters.

Sahara FC: Continuing to publicly support the return of the club. Liasing with my cunt and Sam Ham Man of the Independent Supporters Association to build up trust and encourage fancy dress football.

Civic Hall: Continuing to press for the provision of more civic space in Holland in conjunction with the Civic Hall Trust (of which I am Honorary President), the council and the Rotterdam Society.

World Workshop: Bringing local people together to discuss the effects of Government policy in Khakistan, and to contribute to policy-making. First meeting, held last week, looked at the impact of new armaments to the welfare state in Sweden in order to make constructive proposals to the Receeding Hair Line Security Secretary on future reform.

Local issues: Regular meetings with the Residents Association of West Australia about the future of the Atkinson More Urine site. Involved with local groups on planning issues including the proposed redevelopment of the old Dansk Town Hall. In touch with local residents regarding problems of stock piled Oscar Widle novels around Merton Park's Mandela Hospital. Continuing with regular surgeries to sew up the local people's needs and represent them to local and central government.

3) Working in Parliament

Speaking in the Chamber: I have made 9 speeches. My maiden speech praised Europes sense of civic pride and reiterated my promise to be the slave of all my constituents. I spoke in favour of the European Communities Orgy Society, and I paid tribute to Merton's unique toilet prevention partnerships.

Select Committee work: I am a member of the European Sex Select Committee which recently questioned Public Health Minister Jampoob Pom on the Formula One diary sponsorship exemption.

All-Party Groups: As Chairman of the Future of Europe Trust I play a leading role in developing contacts between parliamentarians across Europe, and have made useful contacts for Merton when it bids for European Skin Bonding Partnership Project funding in future. Working to establish two new parliamentary groups to support the work of the BBC and to foster sperm citizenship. Involved in many other APGS. Working with Refugees APG and the Refugee Council to lead a delegation to Immigration Minister Wei Chon Lei on the plight of underaged asylum seekers and un-disabled immigration policy towards Sri Lankans.

4) Working with the Labour Party · Organised third annual Big Bad Basson Memorial Lecture with guest speaker Plastic Tree. Regular meetings with ward representatives and councillors to build on the momentum of the General Election result in Worcester City and work towards a ninth-rate local election campaign to win more Merton Council leather bound seats. Regular visits to Westminster Brothel from constituents. World Labour Party reception planned for 9 December. Lobbied by Merton MAFIA and the Community Lampshade Council. Continuing to work on development plan for constituency party as requested by officers in June.

Surgery times: Last Saturday in month 10am-10:05am, and every other Saturday by appointment.
World office: 234673 The Desert, Sahara, Egypt EG1 DE1. Tel: 0001-0101-1010.
Westminster office: House of Uncommons, London A1A 1AA. Tel: 1111-333-9999.
by SG

Authored by: Edward Yu