| Headlines | Top Page | New This Week | Recent Reports | News of Nature | Weekly Recipe | Readers Letters | Laboratory News | Back to Nible |
|
|
next
| Photosynthesizing Cattle We, involved, have recently discovered a frightening new phenomenon. Plants are not responsible for photosynthesis. This is a myth. The truth is that all of our oxygen comes from cows. Photosynthesising Cattle use the vast colour differences displayed all over their body for creating a optical wind that traverses their flanks and invokes a slight breeze, known to you and I as air. Zebras also provide a source of air, but are so far away that they have little or no influence on our day. For many years, scientists have attributed a lot of the breathable gases on our planet to the natural processes of vegetation, so it comes as something of a revelation that the plants have been faking it for years to make themselves look important. Aghast! 
Our team of experts have defined the process as Bovine Photosynthesis
(BP). We have obviously contacted British Petroleum who have blatently agreed
to change their name for the sake of all mankind to just "Petrol".The underground factions of our conglomorate have investigated the government, and our own Department of Anti-Technology has this report: "We have, for some time, been aware of BP, and indeed have been encouraging cattle farming to preserve human life. We offer proof in that I defy anyone to remember when cows weren't around. Even the dinosaurs had their source of oxygen in the form of a photosynthesising brachiosaur. However, one day a pterodactyl flew into the eye of the very last brachiosaur and removed the last source of oxygen and they all died out. Only when the first sea-cow crawled onto dry land and grew legs was the planet safe for breathing by the suffocating creatures. Mosquitos, however, survived due to their highly advanced technology. We have been investigating the super-technology that is so prevalent in our society yet so well concealed, and we can now exclusively reveal that all cities now have photosynthesising pavements that have been laid to replace cattle. The reasons for this move is that they are more." by Pebulus Rhomtide | Frail Mice More technically known as the Frailus Weakus Mousus. This wild creature can be found vertical normally hanging out of a cat's mouth.  The nature of it's frail structure means that even at night, it can be perilous for it to walk across the no-mans land of the urban jungle, the garden. But somehow the species survives on exhilarating acts of sexual harassment whereby the male mounts the female almost without the female knowing, and this will produce litters of mice sometimes as many as 10,000 in a single litter. It feeds off the grounds jewels, picking and scraping what it can see, that is if it's eyes haven't been blinded already by the dangerous species of humans known as Evilus Youngus Childreni. This miricale of the natural world has many wonders, next week we shall be looking at the unique hunting methods of the wild cockroach. by Pritchard Hattenborg 
|
Authored by: Edward Yu